The Declassified Adoptee

My husband asked me a question today.  He wanted to know, which is more important: avoiding hurting people's feelings or blogging your truth? I thought about it.   People are always the most important . But we're not really talking about blogging being more important than people here, in my opinion.  We're talking about being able to express how I really think and feel.  And not saying your thoughts and feelings to avoid the possibility that others might misunderstand is not exclusive to blogging: I wouldn't be able to say my thoughts and feelings in-person, in email, or on the phone either.  I think the question is "which is more important, talking about your feelings or not talking about your feelings so that no one else could possibly misinterpret it and have their feelings hurt?" Is being honest not important? There may come a time when I blog something that might unintentionally hurt someone's feelings.  My experience being bullied in ele

It is two days after Thanksgiving and my parents are still here visiting.  We were sitting in the living room, watching TV.  Well, they were.  I was watching the pictures flip through my digital photo frame my dad got me.  I have seen those pictures a million times but I still love looking at them.  One picture in particular caught my eye.  I was holding my son, sitting with my head turned to the side.  You could see my scar; the one from the tumor (benign) surgery. I suppose I am not used to seeing the scar down the side of my neck and face because the surgeon specifically made the large incision to follow the curves of my neck and face so that it is not apparent when looking at me or talking to me.  But there's no hiding it when my neck is turned to the side. My scar always makes me think.  It makes me remember how this one experience in my health care made me reflect on all of the, at-the-time, adoption-related unknowns in my life.  Not just that I didn't have a family

I think it's so important to learn about history, especially the history of something that I personally am connected with.  Seeing what happened in the past helps us evaluate the present and make changes for the future.  No more interesting to me is the history of OBC access as well as the history of openness in adoption.  These histories are not widely known; I would hazard to say that they're not even widely known within the larger adoption community.  OBCs (Original Birth Certificates) The groups that oppose OBC access rely on two main tactics to do so: (1) adoption stereotypes and (2) selective representation of adoption history, where the history of "Confidential Adoptions" is intertwined (or one in the same) as the history of records access.  The current view by many of these groups is that confidential adoption, which included the sealing of the OBC, was preferable because it allowed an original mother to live her life free of the stigma of unwed motherhoo

Words can hurt, can't they?  It doesn't matter what movement you are a part of, people who are resistant to change or who lack empathy can say really hurtful or dismissing things.  After a while, these things take their toll.  It's helpful to keep some simple truths at hand to uplift your spirits. What people with privilege say to oppressed people: "You're just having a pity party for yourself." Or....maybe because they have a unique experience, they choose to speak from it so that others can learn and understand what the needs of their group are? "You're just looking for things to be insulted by." Or...maybe there is a difference between looking for things to be insulted by and standing up for yourself when something is oppressive to you? "You just want to tell people what to say and not to say." Or....maybe that's just another way of saying that you're not willing to make the effort to refer to others in a way tha

As some of you may already know, BJ Lifton (Betty Jean Lifton) passed away on November 19, 2010. Lifton was an Adult Adoptee, an Adoptee Rights Advocate, a Psychologist, a therapist, a lecturer, and an esteemed author.  She wrote many books and professional journal articles.  Lifton spoke out about the complexities of being adopted during a time where adoptees rarely did such a thing.  Because of her and many others, we have increased awareness of the many issues surrounding adoption and an improving societal atmosphere to discuss them in. When adoptees and Adoptee Rights Reformers were criticized, Lifton took a stand for us. Her books include: Twice Born, Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter Lost and Found, the Adoption Experience Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness ...among other books and articles. Lifton also had a website and a blog that I encourage you to check out. I was only ever able to speak with her a few times when she emailed me after finding m

National Adoption Day is a day where courts across the United States finalize adoptions from the public foster care system.  It is often a day (and November the entire month) where adoption in-general is celebrated and promoted.  I am not a fan of this because: (1) adoption encompasses a great deal of individuals, not all who feel celebration is appropriate or fits their experience in adoption; (2) NAAM and National Adoption day is about promoting the needs of children in foster and the focus on their needs is where the attention should lie; and (3) adoption policy is far behind the advancements adoption has made. This post will be short; I don't have a lot to say (imagine that!) but what I think people could use today to focus on would be: What are the rights and needs of children, mothers, and families?  How can we serve their needs best ? You do not need to erase a person's past and issue altered birth documentation to give them a home.  Let's revisit this iss

In the community that I grew up in, there were a lot of stereotypes about unwed mothers and adoption.  In my journey, I've noticed that there are a lot of adoptees who encountered those same stereotypes and there are some who have not.  Of course, the people I've met are not necessarily a representation of what  the majority of adoptees think, it does provide me with insight as to what stereotypes and issues adoptees may encounter. I recently read one adult adoptee's amazing blog about the struggles of being adopted.  Somewhere in the comments section, it was suggested to him that his adoptive family would be offended by his feelings.  Later, someone suggested that his original mother would be offended of his adoption-specific feelings of ambivalence. I think part of the disconnect is that some people may not be recognizing that adoptees have their own experience within adoption.  We are not merely an addition to someone elses' experience in adoption.  With a unique

When I reunited, I was embraced by the entirety of my maternal original family.  Waiting for me on the paternal side, was one aunt.  I also have met one paternal cousin.  My aunt is a wonderful woman.  I have a paternal brother who had spent the entirety of my life thus far convincing himself that I did not exist.  Well, not that I didn't exist as a person, but that I was not his sister. The first letter I got from my original mother from the intermediary I can remember reading about the two maternal brothers I have. I have brothers! Growing up an only child.  I was thrilled to find out that I have not one, not two, but three brothers. My aunt gave me my brother's email address and gave him mine.  She badly wanted us to connect.  I emailed him and waited.  A few weeks later, he emailed me back.  It was a "it's not you, it's me" type email about how he didn't want to get to know one another. He was very kind and I don't think that my feelin

I can't help but read/hear quite often the "I know an adoptee who is 'fine' so why aren't you?" answer to an adoptee expressing that something offended them or when they attempt to offer a different perspective on something someone else is saying.  This dismissive response just makes me chuckle to myself any more, because the more adoptees I meet and talk to, the more ridiculous it sounds to me. The reason being, we are so absolutely diverse . We are domestic adoptees, infant adoptees, foster adoptees, step-parent adoptees, tribal/customary adoptees, kinship adoptees, transracial adoptees, and we are adoptees from all over the world and residing in countries all over the world.  Sometimes we are a combination of those things (I am sure I missed some). What our experience in adoption was like can also widely vary.  Some of us know/knew nothing of our original identities and families.  Some of us were raised by at least one natural parent.  Some of us we

Lately I've been seeing a lot of blogs about orphans.  A lot of them are Christian blogs, talking about how God loves adoption and how he calls us to help the orphans.  And thus, they are considering adoption for those reasons.  I've been thinking about this.   I do not believe that modern, physical adoption in any way mirrors spiritual adoption .  However, God does indeed tell us to care for the orphan. The orphan and the widow. When thou cuttest down thine harvest in thy field, and hast forgot a sheaf in the field, thou shalt not go again to fetch it: it shall be for the stranger, for the fatherless , and for the widow: that the LORD thy God may bless thee in all the work of thine hands (Deuteronomy 24:19). In the Old Testament, provisions were made as a sort of Social Welfare program, to provide for families who had no male to provide for them (e.g. mothers and their children) as well as sojourners and strangers.  Women in that time could not own land.  If widowed, the

There were so many other bloggers covering Grayson's case that I didn't make mention of it on my blog yet; I read what they wrote and didn't have much to add.  But some things I have read and heard, such as in news articles, words spoken by anchors themselves, in the comments sections of news articles, topped with recently reading one adoptee blogger's summation of Grayson's case have left me wanting to make a brief posting of my own. What bothers me is the devaluing of a father's constitutional right to nurture a child that he fathered because he has less of what society values---money. It makes me sad to hear some adoptees chiming in that they are so glad their original family didn't raise them and then apply it to another adoptee's story.  As if Grayson's father cannot love him or care for him as much as an Adoptive Family could because when adoption is involved, the taboo is always directed at the original family and everything we can fin

I remember when my son was born.  After 2.5 hours of pushing I was nearly exhausted.  It didn't help that my doctor was absolutely gorgeous and my nurse was a stunning vision of Jennifer Love Hewitt without one hair or a bit of makeup out of place, while I lay there feeling tired and sweaty in my thin hospital gown.  When he was delivered and placed on my chest, I remember my mind doing some sort of mom gymnastics.  I was loving him, amazed by him, and glancing over every part of him to make sure he was OK while bursting into a sudden realization of what motherhood is.  I couldn't help but notice that when he opened his mouth to cry, something seemed odd with his tongue.  I felt concerned yet simultaneously ashamed of myself for noticing that something seemed not-quite-right with this perfect child.  I just wanted to know he would be OK. I asked about it but the nurses didn't seem concerned.  They were busy making other arrangements to transfer me to the post-delivery p